Fart of Bliss

A good friend recommended that my next post should be about 'Fart of Bliss'. As soon as I read it, I realized that it makes a lot of sense to go ahead and express (in writing) about the misconception people have about this wonderful thing in the world -'A Fart'.

We often hear people advising that one should not keep anything within oneself...So why fart be an exception to it? Just express it out at the time you feel is the right time to do so. People need to understand that fart is always 'a fart' - only thing that changes is the kind of fart (my personal favorite is the silent one). I have my own theory attached to it too, “the person who farts first ...Smells last!'

Fart is re-living the moment you had. The smell in the air tells you exactly what you had last!

Imagine if you had the super power of fart through which you could do supernatural things (depends on the lat long position of your ass).You could be a superman flying around in air with 'The Jet power' right there in your rear or a human 'tear gas' which can be used to counter strike the opposition or any possible threat. I am telling you again, 'Only Fart - can save your life - do you have it in you?'

During my graduation days, I and my friends used to strongly believe in concept of Group Studies, (included - a bottle of Vodka, a pack of cigarettes and some burji pav to keep us awake).  On one similar night – “IC ka Mac – Pappu’ suddenly asked me, “kuch smell aaya kya?”.   I replied, ‘Nah...Kyoon?. He then told me with a grin, “Ok. Matlab Pet (Stomach) kharab nahi hai.’ It was that time when I realized about its immaculate power and how it is so underutilized. The Omnipresent Power of Fart!

I am sure everyone must have felt the funny thing in the air when you are in some public place or maybe inside a lift or while commuting in a bus/train. You suspiciously try and search for the answer and you gaze into the eyes of people around you, trying to read and inspect the condition of their bowels through mere eye contact and by analyzing wind direction - you always ask this question, ‘could he/she be the one?’ But then the real culprit is never found. There is no way one can trace a 'Liars Fart'! Now that’s the power of fart. Respect it !

Ass on the Wall

Last nite I was watching the movie 'The Social Network' - Indeed it was a great watch and it made me wonder for a while that why people get so overly excited as a whore and feel so great about their profile in social networking sites. I can't believe that I actually took out some time to share some lamest status updates which.. kinda makes me bilious. I sincerely feel you should know this.

I am sure you must have come across some below mentioned status updates, tweets or whatever shit you wanna call it.

Post 1:- "I am very angry"

Ok...so what the F**k you want me to do about it?? We all get angry sometime...maybe most of the time. But then why take so much pain to log onto you profile and update about it ? Some jackasses even reply back commenting, "Hey ...why?" After having read such posts I so wish Facebook had a tab which said, 'shoot', 'punch ‘and 'crack the nuts' !

Post 2:-"Wohoo...It Weekend!”

Do I look someone who fails to understand which day and what time it is? So what the f**k if it’s a weekend? Are you trying to be some kind of humanoid application which tells the date and time that I should know through you and which can transform the way of my life in any way better than the present? I so wish I could punch in some codes in your brain like <pending days in this life minus weekends >.

Post 3:- "Bored :("

I understand that people are genuinely bored but what do you actually expect from me and other 300 to 500 odd people on your friends list to do. I just got bored to death after knowing that you are bored.(whatever f**k that means...my blog!) I am generally not a person to give a phone call away and cheer you up. I like to give that space to people during such time. So…still bored eh? Kiss my Ass!

 

Post 4:- "Down with Fever…not well"

What the f**k are you doing on Facebook? If you are a guy - give yourself a b*** job and go to sleep! I am sure you will feel better!

How do we get so madly addicted to these social networking sites? How has it become a part of once existence? Why people act so corny and phony and post anything and everything as their status update. I don't want that day to come when people will see my updates like ,"wohoo...just peed...better than the last one...this time it went all the way up...right outside the window!" Still sounds something that is worth knowing - Isn't it?

Human Brain and an Irritable Bowel

Ah! Just like any Friday – this one is still the same. With the same anticipation and wait of the glorious weekend wherein the two days seems like two heavenly pill which keeps you sedated until Monday morning when you wake up with a heavy and drowsy head.

During my weekend I generally end up meeting a good friend of mine - ‘Bulbhead’. We used to work together in a big US firm - where anything which involved some technology, processes, ‘quality work’, different techniques with Ctrl + C and Ctrl + P (‘Reports’ – which we proudly term) and everything minus my chads were outsourced to Aamchi Mumbai! Although the human resources which was deployed for such work were indeed quality ones – The jerks from NMIMS, the snobs from IIMs, the CFAs of the world – all breeds are found in this zoo. Bulbhead was one of the similar kinds – but a sober one and we have been good friends since then.

He had this big dream which forced him to come out of his secluded world in the streets of Nagpur where one find day he decided to cross few water bodies (vashi creek, mahim creek, etc.etc) and came to the city of dreams - Mumbai.  Bulbhead is not only intellectual but has a great sense of humor - which I consider as a rare attribute.

Now, I don’t want to discuss much about dogs as I have already discussed about them in detail in my previous post – but then this one is worth a mention. I remember an instance where Bulbhead once told me that his friend had a dog and he used to give the dog a ‘Phenol – Bath’ and used to tie him to the pole next to the street to dry and one day the dog ultimately met his fate at the street – when his friend came back to see whether the dog is dry – but then he was dead this time! Being an animal lover myself I consider this one as an exception and a funny incident.

Bulbhead - wants do everything which the education system has to offers - CFA, FRM, GMAT…ABC, XYZ, blah blah... which is good in a way. I mean it is really encouraging but then the entire day revolves around office to book and from books to office. After a career progression and a hike in the new job from; Jay Prakash Murgan Services Pvt Ltd to ‘No –more- kaam’.  He is living for the only dream job with ‘Gold Manus Sheikh’.  With all the sacrifice and the pain involved – I wish he gets what he wants.

He suffers from a ‘psychological’ problem which has a direct influence on his bowels. He usually complains of stomach ache, a phobia that he may be suffering from some cancerous stuff and once he decided to go back to his home town to get it completely diagnosed. The doctor after administering the problem told him that, ‘Beta Aap ko koi problem nahi hai…problem dimaag main hai. To which he replied back, ‘iska ka matlab - Kya main pagaal hu??’ He had no problem - it was all in the mind which was making him think that way! Some kind of weird hallucination I guess.

 I always ask him "Dude get a f****ng life, get out of books for a while, get a lady in your life".

 To which he goes back to his hallucinating world and says, ”Yes! A Big Beautiful Lady...More to hold...More to Love!"

Why dogs sniff each others butt ?

Dear 'my-blog' readers - There are a lot of reasons why I post about the weird happening /not-so-happening things around me and why such things are worth sharing to you losers!

Here is an attempt to create my own world and make you a part of the same.

I was born post Indo-China war and was raised in the narrow lanes of the ever developing Mumbai city. I started to chase (first kites) various dreams and then got graduated in some obscure course. Now the chase seems to continue forever- only the variables keep changing from jobs, hobbies, girls, auto, train, etc. Everything has changed - yet all seems the same.

I was out with few friends of mine - It was 02:00 am and everyone was drunk and I being a teetotaler have had the opportunity to hear some craziest things that happens during such times .

"Why do you think dogs sniff each other’s asses and what are they trying to search?” asked a fully tunn friend of mine - 'Squid'. Everyone laughed their ass out when they heard him asking this question. Squid ignored and continued, “Back in those days when the Pandavas ruled their kingdom and of course legally ruled Draupadi too. The brothers maintained decorum and followed an excellent code of conduct. When they were in Draupadi's room - each person has to leave his Paduka (footwear) outside her room so that the brothers are aware that which of the brother is inside."

We were all amazed by the historic reason behind the 'ass sniffing' theory! He took a sip of Vodka from his glass and said, "But once when Yudhisthira was busy having his time of life with Draupadi (who else it could be) Bhima entered the room and left them embarrassed. Yudhisthira raged with anger and asked his nigga brother Bhima, why the fu*k he did that? Bhima immediately apologized and told Yudhisthira that he did not see any Paduka outside and thought nobody was in except Draupadi. When both the brothers came out to check the same they found a street dog playing with Yudhisthira Paduka outside.

Yudhisthira gave a ‘cold-death-stare’ to the dog and said with a deep voice, “Doggie – because of you Bhima saw me making-out with Draupadi and I CURSE you that from today the world will see your act and you along with your entire race shall get no privacy”.

The Dog was shit scared by the fall of curse upon him and went to ‘Narad Muni’ along with the ‘dog-union’ to find a solution to reverse the curse.”

I was pretty amazed by the way the story was turning out to be and it was already 03:30 am and I so badly wanted to crash. But then Squids story kept me awake that night.

We were all at Squid place seriously listening to something which was full of crap but yet interesting.

And there he continues feeling the inner pain of the dog, “Narad Muni heard the story of the pity dog and advised him to write an apology letter to ‘Indra’- the Savior. The dog immediately drafted the letter and got the same proof-read by Narad Muni and left to submit the same to Indra. Indra used to live a little far from that place and they had to cross a water body to go to the other side.”

This is where the story gets weird, “The union decided to stuff the apology letter in one of the trustworthy dog’s ass so that it does not get wet. But sadly it was high tide and they had to reach there on time, they decided to take the risk but the luck didn’t favor the brave this time! The dogs got lost and few other were scattered with the mighty flow of the current”

Till date they sniff around each other crack to find the apology letter to reverse the curse. So next time when you see a dog doing that - you know what is the exact reason behind the same!

The search is for ‘Chitti’ – The Letter!”

I will never forget that night - I had to go though the entire story (and also live to share about it)! Now that’s 'Squid' for your guys.

My next post will be about another friend of mine -'Bulb-head' who is weird in his own way and dreams about the earning a billion dollar in this life and wants to be a global citizen!